Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
