I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
