What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
