I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I am morally bankrupt
we made out on top of his cat.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
