I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
