I want to make a zoo with you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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