It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
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Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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