I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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