i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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