Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
