I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
