How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
