I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
