how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
