my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
