The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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