You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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