we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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