My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.