I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
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We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
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Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that