I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
