Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
