he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
