I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
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You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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