I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
