Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
