I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
