so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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