It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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