wat bout pragnant strippers??
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
