Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
