is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You took a bar mat shot.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
