i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
