thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
