Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize