you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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