You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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