I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
