I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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