and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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