Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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