Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
