Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
