and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
