she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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