What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
