I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
