fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
