Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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