I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
