im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
