i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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