You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
