Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
