do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
