Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
