I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
