I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
