operation harelip BJ is a go
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
