i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
