the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
