i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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