I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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