you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
