Moan for me like Helen Keller
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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